y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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