Your face is a jimmy john
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
