i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
