my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
