I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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