Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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