remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
