I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I wear drunk well.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
