The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
