I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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