What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
