just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
