I'm gonna have a badass scar
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
