Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
