I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
