I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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