At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
whose ass print is on the piano?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
