checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize