I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
