You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
