I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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