Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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