This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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