Who wears a wallet chain?!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
