Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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