at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
