Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
