It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
