Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
