Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
