It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
