I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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