I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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