Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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