frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
