glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize