Dual....:-)
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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