I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
