the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize