it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
