Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
