You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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