The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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