I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
