he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We left an ass print on the piano.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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