Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
