i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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