doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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