My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
