seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
