dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
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