I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
