i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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