I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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