true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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