I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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