so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
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