you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
