I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
