I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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