Plan B is the new Plan A
I puked a lego.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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