you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
