My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we made out on top of his cat.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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